putting the "I" in connections

Just back from the True Connections retreat I mentioned in a previous post. Yeah, that was a trip and a half - people bawling their eyes out, tackling demons (of the emotional sort), getting in touch with their inner child and basically just wallowing in their disadvantage. Sorry, I couldn't get into that - not only because I don't have a past as colourful as many of the 50-or-so other participants, but because that goes against every fibre in the fabric that is me.

I won't lie - I wasn't dry-eyed the entire weekend. There were things that struck a chord - the repeated observation that I build protective-but-isolating walls around me, avoid intimacy, don't let others in or say what I'm really feeling - something I adroitly cover up by throwing my opinion around or changing the topic to something breezy and easy (read: surface issues) OR making it about the other guy. This is something I will try and work on.

I also learned that my inability to accept a compliment actually pushes others away. That hit me like a tonne of bricks. What I've been raised to believe is that people who give me compliments are lying. If they're not trying to flatter me because they want something, then they must have nothing better to say. I know it sounds like a no-brainer for most people out there, but for me it's an incredibly difficult thing to reconcile. So I'm going to start by responding with a simple "thank-you."

The other big thing for me was the issue of hugs, or even just touch. At first it bothered me. I have a pretty wide personal space. The term "Ice Princess" has been used before (not this weekend - it was many years ago when I was even less open than I am now, if such a thing is possible). What I discovered is that these hugs were great. Almost all of them had one thing in common - they were big, strong, meaningful, "we're-in-this-together" hugs - hugging like it was meant to be.

I don't think I give good hugs, generally speaking. They're what I think of as mamby-pamby hugs. "I'm-hugging-you-because-I'm-supposed-to" hugs. Not that I haven't enjoyed all the hugs I've received. I mean, I'm not actually a reptile, after all (although that's also been implied). I've had some wonderful hugs in my life, in among the lean ones.

A survey:

I used to love the great, all-consuming hugs I'd get from my friend Zach, who's rivaled only by Dionne, Sabine and my Grandma Hasper as top hugger. The latter trio put their heart and soul into a hug, and there's no mistaking that they mean business. This is what I want to give people (minus the sweeping off your feet that Zach inevitably employed). Soo Hyun gave pretty good hugs, as well, although the downside was that he was so skinny there wasn't much of him to hug back. Two other brilliant huggers are Peter and Computer Boy, who exercise the perfect balance between casual and serious. Definitely worth hugging, if you ever get the chance - both of them. Oh, and I can't forget Andre, my editor, who delivers something that's both sporting and meaningful. Jovial, but not without sincerity.

On the less amazing side, my sister Kelly (sorry!) hugs like she'd rather be doing anything else. Tamara, if I recall correctly, feels breakable - - although not as much as her mother-in-law, Cynthia. Hugging her is like hugging a broken bird. My Aunt Iris and Grandma Charlton take the cake for lame-o hugs, although they're always after them (possibly where my prejudice against hugs is founded). Worse yet, though, is my friend Garry, who tries to capture everything at once, simultaneously rubbing my back while smelling my hair and always being the last to let go. Just, ick. The trophy for most disgusting hug goes to my Uncle Harvey, though, who insists on doing the deed EVEN when he's not wearing a shirt and what you're being forced to embrace is his big, fat, hairy belly and chest. And there's no getting out of it - believe me I (and people even more desperate than me) have tried.

I really wonder what kind of hugs I give. Are they the dead fish, full-body equivalent to a limp handshake? I'm pretty sure I put more into hugging enthusiastic huggers than I do to others with hugging handicaps, when we're just following etiquette by putting our arms around each other. Maybe they think I'm a weak hugger. And maybe I am. Wait, make that was.

I never thought about it before, but now that I have, this is what I want: I don't want to be only on the receiving end of a hug - to have a hug forced upon me. It's for me as well as them. And I hope, when people in future leave my embrace - whether in greeting, parting, romance, thanks, grief or anything in between, they do so knowing that they were hugged. So that it comes across physically, emotionally and mentally. And so that they can feel it long after I'm gone, and say, "Yeah. Now that was a soul hug." After all, isn't that the point?

Right, then . . . who's first??