the one

All these years, I just assumed the hardest part of putting together a wedding was finding the groom. And believe me, this was no easy task - not the least because I refused to date or even acknowledge any of the male gender who didn't immediately strike my fancy, and those who did were never interested back.

Now that I've found and been blindsided, smack you upside the head smitten in love with my husband-to-be, Kyle, and the groom part is nicely taken care of (some 15 years after turning a socially acceptable marrying age I might add), you'd think everything else would be paltry in comparison. But no.

Let's start with the issue of where to hold the blessed event. I've now ascertained the Westbank SDA Church, which is lovely (if somewhat quaint). Prior to this, however, was an ordeal that would raise the ire of even the most placid bride (i.e. me).

The ONE church I liked in Kelowna - the ONE with even a hint of cathedral-esque charm (dark, stony, old-style stained glass, etc) had a prick for an administrator who wouldn't let us bring our own pastor to marry us.

First, let me point out that the Lutheran and Anglican churches are in full communion - which means they can officiate in each other's church. St. Michael's Cathedral is Anglican. Kyle's pastor is Lutheran. Where's the problem?? The problem is, Mr. Very Reverend Administrator (he's not a bishop) wants a cut of the cash, so he refuses to cooperate - even after we went over his head to a real bishop who, if nothing else, can at least make Mr. VRA's life difficult now that the whole money-grubbing approach is exposed (there's more to the story, other people, other stories, I'll spare you, gentle reader, the gorey details).

Other options, until the light bulb went off in my head about the Westbank Church, included a tiny and even more quaint heritage church that has no centre aisle, and only enough walk space to accommodate "da-dum-da..." before the bride reaches the front. Oh, and did I mention - no organ (just a keyboard), a honky-tonk piano and a podium the size of a postage stamp.

This is the problem with my stupid "city" (really, a town). There are no decent churches. Even St. Mike's, let's face it, is a faker Cathedral, with electronic, sampler bells and few gorgeous details (being less than 100 years old). At least the Westbank Church has a real bell. What's wrong with church builders today? They're houses of worship, non? Why not make them beautiful?

Anyway, fast forward to my current dilemma: The dress. Or rather, the lack of one. Like the church builders of the last half century or so, it seems that wedding dress designers have lost all sense of creativity, style and/or inspiration in going about their job - which is supposed to be making people like me look jaw droppingly fabulous. Has anyone out there actually GONE wedding dress shopping lately? Anything new is strapless or held up with spaghetti straps, or sports a plunging neckline. And let's not forget the perfunctory ornamentation (the token sparkles and frills). This is why brides today look more like they're off to the prom than anywhere else. Where's the mystique, the untouchable queenly beauty that brides used to exude? This. This is what I want, and can't find anywhere.

Case in point, is this conversation with a dress designer in Vancouver, who came highly recommended by a friend/former bride:

Me: I'm looking for something different. A vintage style. Something with sleeves, because it's going to be a winter wedding.
Him: Sleeves? You cannot have sleeves on a wedding dress.
Me: Why not?
Him: Sleeves destroy a dress. You cannot be sexy as a bride when you have sleeves.
Me: I don't want to be a "sexy" bride. I want to be a "pure" bride.
Him: Well, . . . (and then speechless, with a look of confused horror on his face).

Oh where are the Grace Kelly, the Princess Diana dress designers now? Why can't someone find me a REAL wedding dress? Something simple but stunning? Something different? Something me?

It took 15+ years to find The One to marry. I finally found The One to hold the wedding but I have only 139 days left to find The One to wear. Stay tuned as the drama unfolds. . .